I once smoked a hallucinogen called Salvia. This part is cut out of a post I wrote in my own journal about it, I need to include it in order for what I'm going to say to make sense.
I was kneeling on my bed when I did it, filled my lungs with smoke and held it in.
The world was suddenly dark, I could remember absolutely nothing and I was a house in a row of about 5 houses, I was the second one in from the start of the row.. which was going from the right to the left.
Like absolutely I genuinely thought I was an inanimate house and I knew I was waiting for a postman to arrive. The universe was a complete black void infront of me and nothing existed except the houses on this street and I kept thinking..
There used to be more to it than this, there has to be more to it than this, this can't be everything that exists.
Then the postman arrives and delivers letters to each house and after he gets to me and continues on to the other few houses I suddenly panic, because now I don't have a point to my existence, before now I was waiting on that postman and now life is just going to be me existing as a house, just trapped in this pointless existence where nothing happens forever.. and the postman finishes delivering and drives off and fades back out of existence and suddenly time seems to go on forever, I seem to spend an infinity of time trapped as this house, before suddenly I realise I've turned around, I'm facing the other way and I realise the back of the houses are all made of legs (I'm guessing I saw my legs having actually twisted around, but the houses were all physically made of legs) and then I realise that I can make myself wobble, like sway back and forth.
So I get this idea, that since I can sway.. what would happen if I swayed back and forth until finally I tipped myself over.. I could destroy myself, crumble myself into a mass of bricks and mortar and then in that moment that's what I decide to do and my mind is telling me that I might just end up destroying myself by doing it, but I do it anyways.. I think something has to change if I do this, either something will have to change or I'll be destroyed and at least it will be over.. and part of me that's trying to continue my existence is screaming in my head telling me not to do it but I ignore it and go on.. swaying more and more until finally I crash over and in that moment is when I snapped back out of it as my face hit my pillow.
Salvia trips last about 5 or 10 minutes. It felt like a serious eternity. the whole experience can only be described as alien to my mind, reality in those moments didn't exist and I was in this massively vivid creation of my mind that was far realer than any dream I've ever had, it was genuinely as real as the real world.
Ok. So I had that experience, which basically put, meant I was willing to destroy myself rather than continue existing as this inanimate thing. Essentially I was trying to either cause a change, or commit suicide in that moment.
Right.. so then I watch this Quantum Physics meets Kabbalah and during it Michael Laitman, who is an authority on Kabbalah is explaining the stages of creation of the Tree of Life.. and he says that at some point the creator (as he calls it) decided to create all of this, before that he was the only thing that existed.. but he also says that nobody knows the reason for it, nobody knows the reason that the creator decided for all of this to exist.
See the connection I'm making? between the reason and my reasoning for being willing to destroy myself, because being the only thing that exists was a meaningless existence.
Now in Qabalah, the point as far as I can tell is to ascend the tree and bring yourself back closer to the creator and ultimately aid other people in ascending as well, eventually the whole of humanity should be ascending the tree.
What I'm trying to say, is if there is a creator as such and if he had a reason for creating all of this, why exactly are we trying to undo it?
If there was a reason for separation and the creation of duality, then doesn't anyone ever wonder if maybe it was a very good reason?
I mean the only way I can convince myself that it's a good idea is if I remove the concept of 'creator' and replace it with the universe being one thing and remove the concept of creation in any way and have it as always having been this way and take ascending the tree to mean more of a coming to understand the connection of all things, rather than seeking union with the divine.. but then that makes it seem all vaguely like left hand path thinking. The concept of the divine being a thinking, reasoning entity in it's own right needs to be completely removed for it all to make sense. Otherwise, I don't get why we see undoing the entire thing as a good idea.
If anyone at all can explain it to me in some other way that makes it make more sense then I'd be immensely grateful.
I mean I still practice Qabalah but those are the adaptations I have had to make.